thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
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AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*