Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
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Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.