*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
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I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
In your 20’s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40’s you hope you don’t fall in the yard when nobody’s home.
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
Thinking outside the box.. 😅