Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
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My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
A woman drives into a bar.
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
My beach vacation Google searches
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.