Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
You Might Also Like
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.