Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
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Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?