When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
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“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”