men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
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My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
Classic German Shepherd 😂
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth