If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
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If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
X-tra spooky blend
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
yeet
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work