RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
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[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.