Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
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If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did