Your proctologist called. He found your head.
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[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
goldfish mafia
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.