I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
You Might Also Like
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
Dyslexics are teople poo!
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught