It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
You Might Also Like
opening twitter today
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
My brain is a bad influence on me
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man