As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
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GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
the way this pissed me off… 😭
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off