11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
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Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
Ain’t no way
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat