Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
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[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
Europe. Made in Germany.
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.