Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
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You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
As the Lord intended
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills