I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
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Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
When you don’t understand how floors work
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
Children of the corn 🌽
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
😂 amazing answer
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
I mean…but I did
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight