Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
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So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
Meowchelangelo
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?