I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
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My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
excuse me
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”