There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
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[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
Jokes on them. I took 10.
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host