The A string on my guit_r is flat
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Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*