Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
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*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
I can’t be the only one 😂
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.