First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
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Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
💁🏻♂️
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”