White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
You Might Also Like
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
subtitles are so good nowadays
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.