shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
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Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Are you a cat person or a person person?
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
How to make infinite energy.
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.