I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
You Might Also Like
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
I SAID: Howâs vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: Iâve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
Just ran into BjĂśrk walking into her hjĂśtel. LjĂśking fjĂśrward to her show at PitchfjĂśrk tjĂśnight (hjĂśly shit my Icelandic is pjĂŤrfect).
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
I followed the link to your rĂŠsumĂŠ but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
Baby rabbitsđ° look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So youâll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: Weâre not allowed to say âpee.â
Me,rubbing my temples: We say âtinkle.â
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
Him: Hey girl, whatâs your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably âMcDonalds, Next Exitâ whatâs yours?
In India, when they say thereâs an elephant in the room, thereâs an elephant in the room.
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thingâŚGod, what is that thing calledâŚother people.
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi