Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
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A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
HOW DARE YOU
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back