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People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.