My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
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“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
Confused owl: What?!
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.