Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
You Might Also Like
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.