The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
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Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.