Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
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Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.