dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
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People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
Girl, same.
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.