GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
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I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no