anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
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Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…