I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
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burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.