Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
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They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
Florida man
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
23. the denim jacket
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.