Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
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Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
My good tweets are in my other pants.
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣