I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
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I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
*orders delivery*
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.