If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
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Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
My support group can outdrink your support group.
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying