Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
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Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.