When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
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DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.