*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
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My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
turning my gender off to conserve energy
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies