Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
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Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
If you want my opinion ask my wife
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
I would like even faster food.
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection