Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
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My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
I really had high hopes for this year though
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
Easy enough.
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.