-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
You Might Also Like
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us