*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
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Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms