This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
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[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
When I said I liked it rough.
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
peak technology
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
and now we wait
The pasta is now
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.